You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
