First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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