I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
