if i can run in heels then i can drive
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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