I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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