Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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