Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
