we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Is Oprah even human
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
