Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
