so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize