Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
