K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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