mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
