The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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