Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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