I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
