it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
