I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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