I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
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