Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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