She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize