true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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