i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
