I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
