if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
two words: eviction party
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
