Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
