There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
