If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
