I'm gonna have a badass scar
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
