I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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