That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
