I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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