There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
