And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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