Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Omg I joined a choir last night...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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