Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize