May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
