I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
