I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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