so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
