Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
