They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
