Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
