I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Everything about him screamed your future.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
