he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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