worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
