Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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