Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
