my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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