I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
