Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
