tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
