I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All the doctor said was why
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
