I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
