apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize