I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
